'Hereby'

I hereby ('hereby', like 'forthwith' and 'notwithstanding', are magic words, spells if you like, that we use to distract ourselves from the strong likelihood that we are all, even at our shiniest, both fallible and mortal. Lawyers are particularly fond of these archaic incantations because, as Arthur C. Clarke definitely said: “any sufficiently powdered-wigsy piece of writing is indistinguishable ...from biblical revelation”) pledge to write at least one thing worth reading in this space every day, for the foreseeable future.
Well, now that we've firmly established that this is absolutely going to happen (skeptics should refer back to that bit where I said 'hereby'), I'll elaborate in order to fill the word count I'm about to tell you about. In an effort to one day have a statue erected of me in a choice London location (perhaps on top of that big, unused column) I'm going to try and write between 300-500 words worth of sentences and paragraphs every day. It really is important that they have sentences and paragraphs, because otherwise the the foil-wearing space linguists of the future will find it difficult to tell how clever I was. Another feature of my work is going to be the tiresome use of parentheses (I like parentheses because they save me having to filter out thoughts that, while distantly related to the sentences they've barged in on, are at best estranged ninth cousins after an inheritance they don't deserve).
I'll be writing on a wide array of topics, from the inane (whether the shit of horses or bulls is funnier) to the 'basically inane but I did think think for a minute that maybe it was a bit less inane than it definitely was'. As I have to do this every single day (remember 'hereby') expect lots of reviews of things that aren't new enough to need reviewing, ruminations on current events that really suffer from the fact that I don't read newspapers, and water-damaged boxes of budget creative writing. Such as you might buy in Lidl. Poems called Love and Death, or Emotion-shaped Minimalist Pathos Treats in Sugared Salt Water, that sort of thing. I'll also be posting everything on my freshly dusted blog (in this, the blog version of the text, this sentence is superfluous!), because Facebook is stingy (as it turns out, it isn't).